


Between A Rockstar and A Hard Place

by ErinSydneyBVB



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Closeted Character, Coming Out, Confessions, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 00:53:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1246579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinSydneyBVB/pseuds/ErinSydneyBVB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When bassist Ashley Purdy decides that he wants more out of his relationship with bandmate, Andy, by coming out of the closet together, the singer is reluctant to change their lives and careers so drastically. Ashley is ready to risk it all for his boyfriend but Andy still has his doubts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rebel Love Song

I sighed, running my thumb up and down my boyfriend's thigh. I absolutely loved the feeling of the warmth of his skin beneath the dark skinny jeans. Ashley was my guilty pleasure. My head rested on his shoulder and his head against mine. One of his chiseled cheek bones was nestled in my hair and I could feel his slow breaths. We'd done six interviews in the course of the day and we were exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep... but we had to perform. Warped Tour always wiped me out.

"I love you." Ashley's voice broke the silence suddenly.

I saw Jinxx, who had been nearing us in the back of the bus, turn around and walk the other way.

"What?" I swallowed hard.

"I love you," He said decidedly. "Andrew Dennis Biersack, I love you."

"I..." I started. "I love you too. His hold on my hand tightened and my heart fluttered a little. So it was out there. The past seven months had been shaky and strange but I supposed our little fuck-buddy relationship wasn't just a little fuck-buddy relationship anymore.

It was awkward and silent for a few seconds but we laughed and kissed. His lips were warm and soft on mine. I could feel his smile against my mouth. Soon, kissing turned into full on making out and Ashley shut the door before pushing me down onto the bed. When my shoulders hit the soft, cushiony, black comforter, his lips crashed down onto mine. He was perfectly perched over me, like he always was. I had never realized how much I liked bottoming before Ashley had showed me. He dominated me easily every time. I had no idea how he got to know the ins and outs to me so fast. He had a gift. It was strange to be on the other side of things for once.

"Guys," the door slid open with a loud shudder. It was Jake. "Can you not? We have a show in an hour, come on."

Ashley murmured in protest but we got up and stepped off the bus, following Jake into the backstage area of Stage 3, where we would be playing our seventh show of this years Warped Tour.

A plucky girl with a fiery pixie cut in several shades of orange and yellow approached us and asked if we needed help with our paint. She had countless piercings- in her nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow... everywhere- and I noticed Jake noticing her tight fitting tank top.

I politely declined, as did Ashley, and I shot the guitarist a look. He shrugged innocently. Whatever. Ella wasn't here and, if I knew Jake, nothing was really going to happen. He just wanted to look at her.

"Come on," Ashley took my hand and started leading me toward the dressing room where our paint and clothes were. I pulled my hand out of his.

"Ash, there's people here," I muttered. He looked annoyed but walked ahead of me like nothing happened. Once we were in the dressing room, we were alone. Jake was getting his makeup done and Jinxx and CC had gotten ready early so they could go out and see fans. We stood in front of the mirror and disrobed. I lazily folded my tank top and jeans and set them down on my chair with my shoes. Ashley stripped down to literally nothing and tossed his clothes aside. I laughed a little.

"Those jeans are tight, Andy," he excused, wiggling into a pair of leather ones and tucking his stuff inside carefully. "You of all people would know that."

I nodded, hopping into my own. I shrugged on my vest and caught Ashley staring at me.

"What?" I laughed.

"You're just hot," he shrugged. "I like seeing you with your clothes off. Can you help me with my paint?"

"Sure," I laughed a bit more, picking up a black pencil. He came closer, tilting his head back, and I pressed the tip to the soft bit of his chin perfectly between the two sides of his jaw. I felt him swallow before I dragged the pencil down his neck right to the dip between his collarbones. "Perfect," I said, only partially about the makeup. I added perpendicular stitches down the entire line, then picked up a container of black paint. After swiping my finger across it, I pressed it to his chest, creating six solid black lines mimicking his ribs, then one down the middle. Without a word, he took my hand in his and held it there so I could feel his heartbeat. Steady and strong. Ashley's always been like that.

"Andy, I meant it," he said softly. "I really do love you."

"I-I love you too." I said again. Why was he bringing this up? He looked at me like there was something he really needed to say, but then he turned around suddenly and faced the mirror, picking up black pencil.

"Gotta finish. We only have like half an hour."

I nodded slowly, turning to see my own confused face in the mirror.

 

"On in ten," Jake came back into the dressing room to find Ashley and me kissing again. He cringed and turned away. We disconnected "God guys... You're gonna fuck up your paint..."

"Oh fuck," I turned around to look in the mirror. There was a pink tint around my red lipstick, and red smears in Ashley's pink. I wiped it off and reapplied. As did Ashley.

"Anyway," Jake said, coming in and sitting down. He pulled out his phone and started texting. CC and Jinxx came in soon enough, to touch up their paint.

"Damn, those girls are crazy," CC said, tightening his bandana.

"Do you know how many boobs I signed?" Jinxx laughed evilly. Ashley joined in.

"Nice, man!" He reached for a high five. I rolled my eyes as their hands clapped together. "Oh, sorry, Andy..."

I crossed my arms. "Whatever."

"God, Andy," CC nudged me with his elbow, sitting on the other side of me. "Don't be such a jealous housewife."

I looked at him, unamused. None of the guys took Ashley and me seriously as a couple. 

"You're just jealous that he gets my dick and you don't," Ashley retorted, earning a loud smack on the shoulder from Jake. "Ow!" he laughed. "It's true!"

"Ew," Jake and CC said in unison.

"Hey, guys, you're on in two minutes," A guy with a headset and a black t shirt that read 'Warped Tour Staff' above a huge number 3 on the back, peered into the dressing room. 

We all got up slowly and followed him out to the stage. We waited on the side of the stage until we were given the cue from the other side. CC pocketed his drumsticks and Ashley, Jinxx and Jake picked up their instruments. The crowd chanted our name. It was getting dark out, we were one of the last bands on. Just before I got 'the cue' from opposite where we were standing, Ashley turned to me.

"Andy, I think we need to come out to the fans." He said. 

 _Bam._ Time to perform.

My heart stopped. I picked up the mic and began to speak, the guys positioned themselves onstage, everybody went silent.

"The gates of heaven were locked shut," I said as steadily as possible. "The pits of hell were all filled up. And I fear, we don't belong here _._ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Thank you, Pennsylvania!!" I screamed, wiping sweat from my forehead. I still hadn't managed to get what Ashley said off my mind. 

"You guys are the best!" Ash slung his arm around my shoulder. I stiffened a little. He patted my chest firmly, keeping his eyes on the crowd.

 

"God dammit Ashley!" I threw the dressing room door open. "You want to _come out_?!"

"Yeah," he said simply. "Why not?"

"Why not?!" I yelled. "Because we can't!"

"Why?" he slipped his T shirt over his head and put on his jeans. "I love you. You say you love me. So why can't we tell the fans? It's not like they're gonna think any different of us. We have the coolest fans ever."

"I do love you, Ashley. But we already get made fun of enough. Do you want them to be right when they call us fags?"

"Since when do you care?" He clasped his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "You're the strongest person I've ever met and you've never cared before, so why does this make it any different?" 

"Cause," I rubbed my eyes. Sweat and eyeliner stung in my corneas. "Cause... I guess it hurts more than I let on."

"Andy..." I looked at him. I could see his adams apple bob when he swallowed. "If you can't bring yourself to do this, for me... If you won't let me hold your hand in public, kiss you when I want to- which is pretty damn often... I don't think we can be together."

"What are you saying?" I swallowed against tears. 

"I'm saying... If you're not ready to come out with me... then we have to break up."

"Wait..." I stared at him. "Are you saying... it's over?"

He shrugged. "I guess so."


	2. Wretched and Divine

I followed Ashley closely as he stepped onto the bus in pursuit of his sunglasses. It had been several days since the incident in Pennsylvania and I had been trying to get him to let me in since then. He wasn't having any of that. had just finished performing and we had a Meet & Greet scheduled in a few minutes, in the hot July sun. To put it gently, it was hot as balls outside. 

"Ashley, can we just talk about it?" I begged, shutting the door behind me.

"No," he said simply.

"Why not?" 

"Because you made it very clear you're uninterested and you're not ready." He said.

"Ashley, don't say I'm uninterested because you know I love you-"

"But you're not looking for what I am." He turned to look at me, finally. "I want to be with you, Andy. And you’re too scared to tell everyone that you’re gay-“

“Ashley… don’t…” I sighed and covered my eyes with my hand.

“No, Andy,” he said sharply. “I will. You won’t even say it to yourself and it’s ridiculous. Andy, you’re gay.”

“I…” I started, rubbing my eyes. “I’m gay.”

“Thank you. Was that so hard?” He planted his hands on his hips. “Now just do that on Twitter and we'll be golden.”

"Just.. give me some time," I said softly. "All I want is you, but… please… just give me some time.”

That was the truth. I needed Ashley. In the months that we'd been together, he became my everything. He was my best friend. He was the only one I could trust with anything and everything, and right now, when I really needed him to understand, he couldn't.

"Time?" he said. I nodded. "I can give you some time..."

"Oh my god thank you," I let out a breath. “In the meantime.. can we.. I don’t know… maybe work on covering it up better? I mean…”

He came closer, tucking a stray hair back out of my face before his lips collided with mine- our first kiss since the one backstage before the concert several days ago. I missed the feeling. The taste of his tongue on mine and the feeling of my back hitting the wall as he pushed me backwards had me gasping for air. His hands moves fast from my hair to my chest to my ass to the alley between my thighs. I felt that familiar twitch and tingle and I was instantly hard as a rock. 

“If we weren’t about to go to a Meet & Greet…” he growled in my ear before biting hard on my neck. “I’d fuck you right here…”

“So do it,” I whispered. “We can be… fashionably late.”

He kissed me hard again but it was very brief. His hand brushed across my crotch quickly and I shuddered softly. 

“No,” He said. “We should go.”

He stepped away and all of the air was emptied out of my lungs. I went limp against the wall. 

“Ok,” I breathed. He stepped away and put on his sunglasses and his Monster snapback. I checked my phone- we were already late.

We stepped off the bus together and started toward the M&G tent. Ashley tried to hold my hand again but I pulled it away and shoved it in my pocket. I tried to think of reasons to tell the fans.. ways to tell the fans… that we were gay.

I couldn’t possibly do it. 

“Hey, there you are!” CC grinned as we neared the tent. 

“Hey!” Ashley hugged him and started talking to fans.

“Andy, we love you!” A pair of blonde, freckled girls approached me with CDs in their hands.

“Oh my god you’re real,” one of them said, fanning her eyes that quickly filled with tears.

“Oh, oh!” I laughed. “Don’t cry!” I pulled her into a hug and she sobbed uncontrollably against my chest.

“Oh my god,” she said again.

“Do you want me to sign something for you?” I asked.

“Please,” she thrust the CD in front of me. 

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“H-holly,” she choked. I signed it quickly and handed it back. When I glanced at Ashley, he was mid boob signing. I cleared my throat.

“Ash,” I barked. He finished signing and flicked his hair back to look at me. “Really?” 

He laughed. “This is Natalie,” he said evilly. “She’s from..”

“Austria,” the girl said with a thick accent. She was dressed in high waisted, tight, leather shorts, fishnets, a tight fitting crop top and high heels. 

Who wears that shit to Warped Tour? I rolled my eyes.

“How old are you, babydoll?” I heard his familiar lustful smirk in his voice. It was disgusting. Hate burned inside me. He called her babydoll. He always called me babydoll. 

“I’m twenty three,” I heard her say. 

That was the kicker. Ashley had her. 

I tried to keep my lunch down as I signed piles of CDs, notebook pages, phone cases and pictures while Ashley flirted with the same girl for the entire Meet & Greet. I took selfies with fans, Ashley’s hands wandered just a little further. How could he actually be doing this to me? 

“Hey,” Jinxx patted my shoulder from behind me. I turned around. He looked concerned. “Are you ok?”

“Y-yeah…” I nodded.

“No you’re not.” He said simply. “I know you. And I know what’s bothering you. Come on… let’s go get a drink.”

“O-ok.” I said softly. “Yeah, lets go.”

He walked with me to a little vendor and leaned against the counter. 

“Can we get two beers?” he asked.

“Um… I’m not allowed to serve alcohol,” the man said carefully.

Jinxx scoffed and pointed to me. I was standing a few feet away with my arms folded “Andy needs a beer.”

He seemed to recognize me then. His eyes widened. “Oh! Oh I’m so sorry, you’re… you’re… Black Veil Brides. Wow.. I’m a huge fan-”

“Thanks,” Jinxx said, cutting him off subtly. “Can we get those beers now?” 

“Yeah!” he reached below the counter and produced two bottles which he handed to Jinxx, who popped the caps off against the counter and handed one to me. I sipped slowly and walked with him. 

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“What? Why?”

“I know what Ashley’s putting you through and that’s really shitty.”

“Oh it’s ok… He’s always been that womanizer I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… I mean I guess I thought I meant something to him but..”

“No I mean the whole coming out thing.” He took a long drink and looked at me. How the hell did he know about that?”

“I uh…” I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. Damn, it was hot out here. “Y-yeah… Can we talk about this not so in-public?”

“Oh, right.” He veered off in the direction of the bus. When we reached it, we could hear the moaning from ten feet away. “Or not.”

“Dammit,” I sighed, speeding up my pace and yanking the door open. “ASHLEY!” I screamed.

It was silent. 

Moments went by that felt like hours before Ashley emerged, a confused Austrian girl, wrapped in a blanket, stood several feet behind him. He was buttoning his jeans. I breathed heavily, trying desperately to control my anger- and not cry. 

“Ashley, what the hell?” I spat.

“What?” He flicked hair out of his eyes. “Just doing what you asked. Covering up better.”

“Yeah, this is not exactly what I fucking had in mind and you know that.” I tilted my head back slightly to keep the tears from falling. “You said you’d give me time.

He looked at me with burning eyes. “Well your time is running out fast, Sixx.”

“It’s been an hour and a half!”

“Better work up the courage to speak, then.” He said. 

 

* * *

 

“Wow that’s rough,” CC said with barely a whisper. It was just past three a.m. and the other guys were all passed out. Jinxx and Jake had gotten absolutely wasted and Ashley had retreated to his bunk immediately after our fight- which had actually gotten kinda physical, I’m not proud to admit. I threw a punch right as CC and Jake came back to the bus. Apparently Jinxx had tried to warn them of what was going on but they didn’t listen. And then they pulled me off of my boyfriend before I could do any real damage. 

“Yeah…” I wrung my hands together. “So I guess now… I’m not sure… If we’re not broken up, we will be soon.”

“Well..” CC chuckled. “When you punch your boyfriend in the face…”

“Yeah. The relationship is generally over the second your fist hits their jaw.”

“Maybe you should consider just… I don’t know…coming out for him?” 

“But how?” I sighed. “If he doesn’t even want me anymore, what’s the point in coming out?”

“I don’t know…” 

“I just need to focus on getting over him I guess…”

“That’s gonna be kinda tough, don’t you think?” he said. “You see him every day…”

“Yeah…” I admitted. “But I have to do it. He’s not mine anymore… and that’s just the way it is…”

I couldn’t do it. My eyes flooded and tears ran down my cheeks. I coughed and sputtered. Holding it in was just too much. Ashley was everything I wanted and the only thing I wanted. He was an asshole and a terrible boyfriend, but I loved him so goddamn much. CC rubbed my back soothingly while I reached for the bottle of vodka and downed a heavy portion of it, straight. It was disgusting but numbing and numb is what I needed. 


	3. Lost It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning.

 

We were onstage in Orlando (Seriously, could these venues get any hotter?) and had just finished playing Perfect Weapon when I was hit with one of those waves of depression that had been coming a few times every day, now. It had been two weeks since that day we broke up(and I gave him a dark purple bruise across the left side of his face) and Ashley and I hadn’t spoken more than four words to each other. It had been a tiny bit easier lately but the first few days were simply hell. When I wasn’t onstage I spent all of my time in bed, with a bottle in my limp- or sometimes shaking- hand. I refused to go to Meet & Greets. The guys had to come up with bullshit excuses like “he’s not feeling well,” or “he had to talk to our manager,” even though the fans know that none of that shit would ever stop me from talking to them. 

During this particular concert, in a brief pause between songs, someone had screamed “Ashley, be my boyfriend!” and he looked at me before yelling back, “Sorry babe but I’m single and I like it that way.” And I just lost myself. He said it so easily, like it didn’t hurt at all. Single. That word coming from his mouth was like a knife digging into my very bones, where his name was already carved in my existence.

I folded into myself to keep my seams from tearing, dropping the mic to the floor, with an ear splitting scratch of feedback. I stumbled backwards and sat down on the stool behind me. The crowd silenced almost immediately. After a few seconds, ripples of murmurs washed over everyone. I knew what they were all saying, even though I couldn't hear a single one of them distinctly. 

_What’s wrong with Andy?_

_Is he ok?_

No. I wasn’t fucking okay.

Nausea ran through my abdomen like a sword and I felt dizzy enough to faint. I knew I was going to throw up. I couldn’t. CC jumped down from his platform and got to me before anyone else. Jake and Jinxx came closer but didn’t talk to me. Ashley very purposefully kept his distance, all the way across the stage. 

“Andy!” the drummer said, squatting in front of me. “Andy, come on. You’re okay, Andy.”

“No,” I croaked. “No I’m not okay. I can’t…”

“You’re okay,” he said. “We’re almost done, just two more songs. Just take deep breaths.”

I tried, but I was shaking. 

“Two more songs, Andy.”

I swallowed back my tears before I could let them escape and looked up at him. 

“Okay. Two songs.” I whispered.

“Atta boy!” he patted my back and returned to his post behind the drums.

I bit my lip, picking up the mic- another horrifying shriek of feedback- and looking out over the crowd. They stared at me expectantly. 

“So,” I said softly into the mic, deciding not to say anything about my little moment, and just moving along with the show. “I guess this is the part of the concert where you guys pick the song we play before our finale.”

“Go ahead,” Ashley said. “Scream out your favorite!”

The shouting fans were impossible to hear. When it died down a little bit, I heard Lost It All. The last song I wanted to perform right now. Ashley had been sitting with me while I wrote it and now it only made me think of him. I lost him. He was my everything. And when I lost him, I lost it all. 

“Lost It All?” Ashley said. “We can do that. Can’t we?” He was so nonchalant. Like the breakup never happened. He looked to us for approval and Jinxx and Jake agreed. CC looked at me, concerned. I shrugged with a sigh. It couldn’t get much worse from here. This concert was already a mess and I was already a broken shard of myself. It all seemed pretty pointless. So what difference would it make if I was just a little bit sadder? 

“Alright,” I said, tentatively. “Let’s do that.”

Jinxx started playing the (usually piano) intro softly on his guitar. I looked at him and sighed. Bad idea. 

“I ruled the world…” I started, looking back out to the audience. “With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground.. I laid the gods to rest..”

It took everything in me to keep singing when I got to the chorus.

“Then I lost it all. Dead and broken. My back’s against the wall. Cut me open. I’m just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out, because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down, I said…” I wiped the tears that leaked out of my eyes. “Then I lost it all… Who can save me now?” 

Who could save me? Ashley. Ashley was the only one who could save me, now. I turned to look at him, he avoided my eyes. Dammit, I needed him. Getting over him wasn’t an option. I had to try and fix this and hope to god that he would be willing to at least be friends again. 

 

 

 

“Andy, we have a Meet & Greet…” Jinxx said a little while after we’d returned to the bus. “Do you… wanna come?” 

He knew the answer before I said it. “No. No I don’t.”

“Okay…” He said. “What should we tell them?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “Think of something.”

“You know,” CC said. “They’re gonna know something’s up, after what happened onstage.”

I groaned. “I know.”

“Maybe you should come,” he suggested.

I chewed on my lip for a moment before running my fingers through my hair and getting up. “Fine.”

“Heyy!!” The guys cheered and collected their various sunglasses, hats, phones, etc. 

“Come on, Ash, we’re leaving!” Jake called as we started toward the tent.

“Coming!” he ran after us. 

 

 

“Alright have a fabulous day, thanks for coming to see us!” I said as a group of girls retreated after getting their things signed and getting selfies. I checked my phone. 2:40; We had another 20 minutes of this, fuck.

“Andy!” a tall, thin girl came over to me with a bright grin. She had sandy blonde hair down to her shoulders. “I’m Lisa.”

“Hi Lisa,” I looked up at her- yes. up. she was at least as tall as me, if not taller. She placed a hand on my shoulder and her smile softened.

“Are you okay?” she asked carefully. “I-I saw what happened onstage.” I looked down at my feet. “I don’t want to overstep or anything, but you guys mean a lot to me, you’ve saved my life when I thought no one could, and I like to think of you as my friends. My only friends… And I care about you a lot. Are you okay?” 

I sighed, with a slight smile. “Thanks so much for caring,” I started. “I’m okay.”

“You don’t seem okay,” she said plainly. Dammit, she was right. My lip started to tremble a little and I looked away from her. I should’ve stayed on the bus. This was a bad idea.

“I’m okay,” I insisted, tilting my head back, to prevent the tears from falling. “Did you want me to sign something for you?” 

“Here.” She handed me a notebook, open to a page labeled Black Veil Brides, with a picture of us taped in the center. I signed my name quickly and handed it back, hoping she’d leave. She placed a hand on my shoulder. 

“Seriously, Andy.” She looked into my eyes. “I love you so much. You’re my whole world and I don’t like seeing you upset.”

“I’m okay.”

That was when I realized there was no getting past the fans. They knew something was up and, as for the press... it was only a matter of time before twelve different stories were spread across the magazines and one of them was bound to be right. There was absolutely no way I could get away from this. I was stuck in a whirlpool of my own sadness and even if I could bring up the strength to try to pull myself out, something else would suck me back in almost immediately. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was 1:34 a.m.

We were somewhere in Louisiana, between tour venues, and had stopped to stay the night here instead of driving all night long. Ashley and CC were out partying. Jake and Jinxx were at a bar. And me? I was awake, curled up in my bunk, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and an old note from Ashley in the other. He’d sent it to me while I was visiting some family during a bit of downtime between tours. At that time, we’d been (for the most part) living together. We weren’t necessarily “together” but we were sleeping together very very regularly. We’d had our own places then, but I’d spent most of my nights with him anyway. He made me feel safe. He was my home. 

_Andy,_

_I miss you so much. Everything is weird here without you. I miss doing stupid shit with you and getting in trouble. I miss jamming out at 4 in the morning with you. I miss making breakfast in the morning and waking you up with coffee and eggs._

_I hope you’re having a good time in Ohio. Please come home soon, though. I need you, man. I’ve been hanging out with CC more cause you’re gone, and I like it, but I can’t make out with him… so that’s no fun._

_Tell everyone back home I said hi. I miss you and I can’t wait to see you again._

_Love,_

_Ashley._

 

When I'd gotten home from that trip, he'd surprised me at the airport and then taken me to a perfect little lunch place where we caught up and ate together, him rubbing my arm the entire time because he wanted to kiss me but we couldn't until we got home. So he had to settle for the tiny amount of physical contact we could get away with without anyone thinking much of it. And still, after that, we'd stayed up all night talking and didn't fall asleep until the sunrise when he wrapped me up in his arms and hummed our own song, Saviour, in my ear until I was asleep, with the feeling of his heart beating against his ribcage engrained in my memory. Because Ashley was my saviour. 

I folded it neatly and tucked it away beneath my pillow. It made me feel like such a teenager to keep it there like that but it felt nice to have that piece of Ashley still with me. I was so pathetically in love with him and that wasn't going to change. And that note forced me to remember that he was the best boyfriend I could ask for.

But it crushed me. I took a long drink of whiskey and cried some more into my pillow. The familiar feeling of extreme nausea came over me and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. After I cleaned myself off, I decided to take a hot shower. I took extra time washing my hair and I even sung softly to myself. It didn’t help. I kept thinking of the showers I used to take with Ashley, where he’d wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck while the water washed over both of our bodies… I got out and dried off. After slipping on my favorite Batman pajama pants, I fished around in the pocket of my skinny jeans for my knife. 

I flipped out the blade and pressed it to the skin of my forearm. With tears running down my cheeks still, I tore open my tattooed skin and watched the blood trickle into the sink. It felt amazing. The release of the pain in my head through the pain in my arm was absolutely addicting.

This wasn’t the first time I’d done this. I started it two days after my fight with Ashley when I saw a boy during a Meet & Greet with scars across his arms and I got curious to know the feeling. I tried it once and I couldn't stop. Whenever I had a particularly bad night, I added a cut. Part of me knew what I was doing went against everything I'd ever said to my fans, but another part of me, the stronger part, was too tired of trying to keep my Image to care. 

When the bleeding stopped, I ran the faucet until the blood was gone from the sink and I left the bathroom to return to my bunk, but I was stopped before I got there.

“Andy?” It was Ashley. He was standing in the narrow hallway type section of the bus, staring at me. He looked tired and drunk. I froze. How long had he been there? Was he looking for me? Did he run into me by accident? He was probably horrified to see me. He'd probably come to the bus to get something, thinking I was asleep and he wouldn't see me. He pointed to my arm. “Did you do that to yourself?” 

I looked down at it. There were six cuts of varying freshness around the top of my forearm. The newest was still stinging and angry red. I swallowed and nodded. He looked like he was going to be sick.

Without a word, he turned around and left.


	4. Carolyn

They thought I was asleep. We were somewhere in Texas and had stopped to spend a few nights here in a hotel. Our last night in town, we had gone to one of Jake’s friend’s houses for a party. How Jake knew people in Texas, I have no idea. But nonetheless, I was laying on the couch, slightly wasted, with all the other guys surrounding me- also slightly wasted. Ok, maybe "slightly" wasn't the right word. CC hit on Ashley for twenty minutes, both of them thinking the other was a chick, until they asked each other what they did for a living and it was discovered that they were in fact, in the same band. After they had sobered up a bit and tried to forget the whole thing. it was just us- everyone else at the party had either gone home or passed out on the floor somewhere- so I couldn’t really say why we were still there. As I controlled my breaths carefully, I listened to the guys talking about me, while I lay “asleep” just a couple feet away from them. 

“I’m telling you, it’s a serious problem,” Ashley said in a hushed whisper. “Look at his arm.”

“You think we don’t know about that?” Jinxx said. “He’s been doing that for weeks.”

“We didn’t bring it up cause we figured it would just make things worse,” Jake’s voice sounded bitter. 

“How could thinks get much worse?” Ashley whined. “I already lost the love of my life and it’s entirely my fault. And now he’s cutting himself because of me.”

“He’d forgive you if you just apologised.” CC said sourly.

“No he wouldn’t.” Ashley was crying now. Since when did Ashley cry? “I can’t fix this… I fucked him up.”

“He loves you,” CC defended. “He just… he needs a little push.”

“Exactly,” Jinxx said. 

“But…” Ashley’s voice was high and thick. “He acts like he hates me now. He can’t stand even being in the same room as me…”

I couldn’t help it. I knew it would fuck up my little ruse I had going on, but I started to cry. I sat up and wiped my eyes but the tears kept coming. Ashley couldn’t be more wrong. 

“Andy, are you okay?” Jinxx looked at me worriedly. Ashley was looking away. 

“Yeah…” I lied. “I just… bad dream…”

“It’s okay,” Jinxx rubbed my back. I looked around, taking deep breaths. CC was sat on a couch across from me, Jake was asleep at his feet. Ashley wouldn’t look at me. 

“Can we just… get back to the hotel?” I rubbed my eyes until they burned. “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, sure.” CC kicked Jake who woke up, coughing. We all got up and started toward front door. CC was holding Jake up and Jinxx walked beside me to make sure I was okay. Ashley was still avoiding my gaze.

 

 

Back in my suite, I threw myself onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. What had Ashley been saying? Did he still love me? Was he just as torn up about this than I was? Or was he simply angry that I couldn’t get over him? He was probably just mad that I was getting so fucked up over nothing. There was nothing really wrong, was there? Breakups happen all the time. Was I just taking it too hard? I rolled over and looked at my phone. It was four in the morning. The blurriness in the edges of my vision was dissipating so I stumbled out of bed to the mini fridge next to the TV and retrieved a miniature bottle of whiskey. After downing four of them, I sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the comforter. I wasn’t gonna be able to sleep even if I tried. I took my knife out of my pocket and carefully carved two more lines into my skin, high up enough to be on the edge of my black t shirt sleeve. I looked over my arm and sighed at the increasing number of cuts, that had now reached eleven. 

Suddenly, there was a knocking on my door- no, more like a banging. I jumped up and opened it. Ashley looked startled to see me, as if he hadn’t just been knocking on the door.

“What is it?” I said, rubbing my eyes.

“I want to talk to you.” he said.

“Okay?” 

“Can I come in?” 

“I guess.” I stepped out of the way for him to enter and then shut the door behind him. When I turned to look at him, he was leaning against the foot of the bed. 

“What did you want to talk about at four in the morning?” I didn’t move from where I stood in front of the door.

“Do you love me?” he asked abruptly.

I let several moments pass, thinking. I did love him. But if I told him that, would it just screw things up more? He didn’t look away from my face for a second, while my eyes shot everywhere- anywhere but to his. 

“Yeah.” I said. “I do love you.”

“I want to talk about Us,” he sighed.

“There is no Us,” I spat. “Remember? You dumped me.”

He cringed. “You’re right.”

“So why are you here?” 

“Because I was wrong,” he said. I was taken aback a little. “Because I love you more than anything. And I need you. Despite everything I said, all I want is you, regardless of who knows that.” 

“If you loved me, why the hell have you been ignoring me when you could clearly see that I was hurting? Everyone could see that. And you wouldn’t even speak to me. You couldn’t stand being around me!”

“I couldn’t stand being around you because seeing you hurting was the most painful thing I’ve ever been through.” He said. “Remember when you were the biggest idiot in the world and jumped off that ledge and shattered your ribs?” I nodded. “Think of that pain. Describe it to me.”

I shuddered a little, remembering it. I spoke slowly and thoughtfully. “I thought the pain of hitting the stage would be the worst of it, but I was wrong. The recovery was so bad. I couldn’t breathe without stabbing pain rushing through my body… I constantly felt like I was going to throw up-”

“Exactly!” Ashley exclaimed. “That’s what it felt like to lose you.”

He came closer, tentatively, waiting for me to object. I didn’t. I let him snake his arms around my hips and hold me close to his body. I watched him as he began to cry, silently.

“I can’t do it again,” he said softly. “I can’t ever be without you. I thought you hated me, Andy.”

“God dammit, Ashley,” I sighed. “I thought you hated me…”

“I couldn’t…”

“You know, when you brought that Austrian girl onto the bus that night-”

“That was such a huge mistake,” he shook his head in shame.

“And that day onstage… It hurt to see you okay so fast, while I was still broken. I felt like… like you won. You were okay and I couldn’t stay sober for more than an hour at a time. I hated myself for it. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was failure. I felt like I failed to keep myself together.”

“You don’t know,” Ashley said, his voice thickening. “how wrong you are. I couldn’t keep myself together either. I felt like when I needed you most, you weren’t there. And that was because I had driven you away. It was all my fault. I pushed you too far, too fast. I tried to make you do something you didn’t want to do and then I was too stupid to understand that.” 

I couldn’t keep standing there with him like that, I had to kiss him. So I did. Our mouths fit perfectly together even after so long being apart. His lips and mine made such a harmony, I wanted to keep him there forever, but I knew I couldn’t. But I could try. After what seemed like hours, I was starting to feel my chest contracting and I had to pull away to breathe.

Panting, he said, “Andy I love you.”

“I love you, Ashley,” I responded, pulling him closer and kissing him again. His hands moved to the edges of his shirt and yanked it over his head. Soon, mine went, too. We stumbled toward the bed, falling onto it together.He took my left arm in both of his hands and kissed it gently along each cut. 

“Are these… new?” he had reached the top of my arm. I swallowed and nodded. “Fuck, Andy…”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

His eyes welled with fresh tears. “Don’t ever do this again.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me,” he commanded.

“I promise.” 

“Thank you,” he wiped his eyes and kissed me again, removing my jeans slowly and carefully. He slid his hands up and down my chest, leaving soft kisses across my collarbones and leaving a spattering of hickeys across my chest and up my neck. He kissed all the way down my chest again, to the elastic edge of my boxers. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, kissing my hips softly and nipping at the skin intermittently.

“I’m a mess…” I said softly with a slight chuckle. 

“You’re a beautiful mess.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Andy, get up!” CC’s voice shattered my blissful dream. I looked down at my sleeping boyfriend in my arms. He was such a heavy sleeper. I got out of bed, careful not to wake him, and slipped on my Batman pajama pants before walking over to answer to CC’s knocking. Ok, more like hobbling. Wow, walking was painful. Ashley really was a monster in bed, jesus fucking christ.

“Yes?” I pricked up an eyebrow.

“Fucking finally!” he shouted. “You've gotta help us, Ashley’s miss…ing…” he was staring over my shoulder, presumably at my bed, where Ashley was naked and asleep. 

“Well I found him,” I said with a slight smirk.

“Jesus christ, Andy,” he said. He turned around and yelled, “It’s cool guys, he’s in here!!”

Jake and Jinxx appeared behind him, looking curious and hopeful.

“Guys,” I said. “Please. Nobody’s missing. Can I get back to my boyfriend before he wakes up?” 

CC's eyebrows perked up at the word 'boyfriend' and Jinxx and Jake shared a look.

“Too late,” Ashley’s voice came from behind me and then I felt his arms around my hips. “I’m up.”

“Well good morning, sleeping beauty,” I said, turning slightly to kiss him. He had put on my boxers. 

“So clearly you’ve made up,” Jake said with a tinge of creeped-out in his tone.

Ashley chuckled. “Yeah. We uh… talked last night.”

“Talked,” CC said. “Right.”

“Now if you’ll excuse us,” I said, shutting the door in their faces and turning around. 

“I love you,” he said, kissing me tenderly.

“I love you too,” I tucked his hair behind his ear and shifted my weight a little. Everything 'downstairs' burned when I moved too fast. God dammit, how long was this gonna take to feel better? The first time I'd had sex with Ashley, it took almost a week. Maybe sex with Ashley wasn't exactly like riding a bike. It took a bit of getting used to. Not to mention _a lot_ of lube, which we were lacking last night. “You bastard, I can’t move without it hurting.”

He laughed. “Sorry…”

He leaned me against the door and kissed me again, holding my face in his hand. This was perfect.


	5. Saviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short little finale(:

 

We were sitting backstage, just minutes away from our last concert on the tour in California. I was sitting next to Ashley, laying almost entirely on him. His arm was around me and he was reading the latest issue of Kerrang magazine that we were in. Jake was sitting across from us, on his laptop, Skyping with Ella. CC and Jinxx were running around talking to crew members. Everything seemed so natural and normal. Things had mostly smoothed over in the three weeks since Ashley and I got back together. He hadn’t brought up the coming out thing at all yet. I thought maybe he just didn’t want to upset me. 

“Guys?” a runner girl with long blonde braids and knee high socks stepped into the dressing room. “It’s time.”

Jake hung up his Skype call and I got up and stretched, followed closely by Ashley. We all checked our paint in the mirror quickly and followed the girl out to the stage. I took a few deep breaths and picked up my mic while the guys collected their instruments and headsets. As a slow countdown was spoken into my in-ear piece, I planted a kiss on Ashey’s cheek, leaving a bright red lip print. 

Yes. That’s where those came from. 

“Let’s do this,” I whispered, walking out onto the stage. 

 

 

 

Halfway through the concert, I decided it was time. 

“Everybody get your phones for me. I have a job for you to do. It's pretty simple, I just want you to record everything I’m about to say. Yes, it's important. Record it all and send it to your friends, post it on Twitter, spread it around Tumblr... let it go far and wide.” I watched everyone take out their phones and I took three deep breaths. I looked at my band who stared at me confused. “Now this next song, Saviour…” I said. “I wrote it about finding that person that is your everything and your all. That person keeps you from doing things you’ll regret… hurting yourself, in particular.” I couldn’t help but glance down at my arm, that was beginning to heal over and scar. “Over the past couple of months, I’ve been through some stuff, to be honest. I assume most of you probably know about that. Most of you have probably heard about the incident in Florida a while back. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get through it… but my saviour came back to me.” I looked back at Ashley, who was staring at me with wide eyes. He knew. I nodded slowly. A huge grin split his face in two. “And, well my saviour is actually here today. My saviour is this beautiful, spectacular person I just could not live without. I love them with all my heart and I just need to finally let it be known. I’ve been hiding it for far too long and I need to share this piece of my life with the fans. I can’t keep you guys in the dark any longer, you’re like my family.” The crowd was entirely silent. “The truth is… I’m pathetically, irrevocably, irreversibly in love with Ashley Purdy.” 

I looked back at him and he was grinning. He walked over to me, handing his bass to Jake on the way. 

“Wow,” Ashley said, adjusting his headset mic. “Part of me didn’t think this day would ever come. But Andy’s telling the truth. We’ve been kind of… together… for a really long time now. And I just love him so much.” he started to cry. I looked him in the eyes and smiled. I reached forward and slowly moved the microphone away from his mouth and kissed him. The crowd started to cheer and scream deafeningly. When we disconnected, our eyes didn’t move from each other.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you so much,” he wiped away tears and laughed. He turned to face the audience, readjusting his headset and said, “So if you missed what just happened, I’m gay.”

“Yes!” I yelled over the laughter of the fans, into my mic. “Thank you so much for being such amazing fans, I am actually so happy for you to finally know about this part of me Ive been hiding from everyone for so long… I’m gay and I’m finally happy. So thank you.”

“Just for the record,” Jake said once the cheering died down again. “We already knew.”

“Wow,” Ashley whispered, kissing me again. “What a perfect end to Warped.”

“It’s not over yet,” I said. “We still have to finish this concert.”

“Right!” he ran to Jinxx to get his bass and I looked out over the audience to see weeping teenage girls and hundreds of cellphones. Everybody had to get the news out as fast as possible.

“So in honor of today,” I said as the guys started the intro. “I dedicate this song to my saviour, my incredible bassist and the love of my life. Thank you for everything, Ashley.”


End file.
